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  1. #1
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    linds_mk4's Avatar
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    Talking jokes

    ok people, help me shake my boredom!!

    give me your best jokes!! lets have a

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    I apologise in advance if any of these offend people.BUT i found them funny.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    Face- Has it fallen on one side?
    Arms - Can they raise both arms & keep them there?
    Speech - Is it slurred?
    ............................
    If so, time to get her knickers off, the vodkas kicked in!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    England - The only place where pizza can get to your house faster than the police.

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    Heather Mills has been disqualified from dancing on ice.......producers have decided that a piece of wood with ablade on the end is technically sledging.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    What does it mean to come home to love, tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex?

    It means your in the wrong F'ing house!

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    Woman should be like golf caddies, either holding my balls or getting my F'ing tea.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    Blonde wife painting the house, husband walks in and cant believe she's doing soo well, but sweat is dripping off her. He asks "why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parka if your soo hot?" she said "HELLO!! read the f'ing tin it sais for best results put on two coats!"

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Tom visits Dave whos laid up in bed with a broken leg,Dave sais to Tom "me feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my sleepers?". "No probs" sais Tom. Upstairs Daves stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed. "Hello girls, yur dad sent me to shag you two" "F-uck off you liar!" they said. "ill prove it" said tom, and he shouts downstairs "Both of them dave?". "Of course!" shouts Dave "Whats the point in f'iuckng one of them?!"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    A girl asks her doctor "how many calories in c--um?" he replies "listen love,if you swallow, nobody gives a f-uck how fat you are!"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    After no dates or sex for 5 years jess oes to see chinese sex therapist dr chang, he say "take off all your croase, get down on all fours and craw reery reery fast to otherside of room" she does "ok craw reery reery fast bac" as she did Dr Chang shook his head "ur problem vewy vewy bad, worse case ed zachary disease i ever saw, dat why u get no man" jess says "god whats Ed Zachary disease?!" Dr chang say "Its when your face look ed zachary like your arse"
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  3. #3
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    Mad Mary was whizzing round the mental asylum in her wheelchair when she was stopped by crazy Carl "License please" said Carl. Mary sped off round the corner and bumped into looney laura "insurance please" said laura. Off mary zoomed again until she was stopped by donkey dave, with a ten inch boner, "oh no!" cried Mary "Not the breathalizer again!"
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    Here's a couple;

    Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
    The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "**** me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
    Patient replies I've been ****ed by an elephant".
    The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
    Patient replies "He fingered me first".

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah, night before last.
    Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
    First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
    I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
    After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
    I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
    I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
    The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
    ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
    Thoughtfully yours,
    Alex

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlBundy View Post


    AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD



    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah, night before last.



    Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.



    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.



    First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!



    I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].



    After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!



    I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]



    I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.



    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.



    The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).



    ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!



    Thoughtfully yours,



    Alex

    classic!!!
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    Blonde Joke

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

    She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

    A little later she came out of the house again she went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "is something wrong" to which she replied, "there certainly is", my stupid computer keeps saying "YOU GOT MAIL".

    Mark

    MK4 Astra Van 1.7 DTI Sportive

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    James Bond walking down the streets meets a chicken, so he greets him with "hello, the names Bond, James Bond" to which the chicken replies, "o hello, the names Ken, Chic Ken"

    granted that joke was probably funnier at 3am when i recieved it after a night out but still makes me chuckle lol

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    Not a joke as such, but an absolute quality rant from a clearly unimpressed football fan

    Dear Players of Grimsby Town FC

    I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.

    In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and wánking furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.

    I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little píssflaps sleep at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of several thousand others and delivered precisely **** all in return. I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.

    You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration, but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.

    I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too harsh. But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the doubt for too long now. Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the air you’ve been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it’s only fair that your supply runs out forthwith.

    I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends at Dignitas. Don’t bother packing your toothbrush – you won’t need it.

    In the event that our beloved chairman can’t afford the expense (understandable given that he’s soon going to have to assemble a new squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my unborn child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to pay for the flights. Christ, I’ll drive you there myself, one-by one, without sleep, if I have to.

    Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys – strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of our collective misery.

    So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate bástards; leave this club now and don’t you ****ing dare look back. You’ve consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrótum, so frankly you can just all **** off – don’t pass go, don’t collect your wages, don’t ever come back to this town again.

    I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-thru in the near future.

    Yours sincerely


    A very disillusioned Mariner

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    Got some new ones.

    Bloke lying in bed after sex with his new thai bride. She keeps stroking his penis. He says "do you really like my c-ock that much?" she says "no, i just miss mine"

    ****News Flash****

    A woman with diarrhoea had anal sex with six blokes in a vintage car. Police say it was a "shitty shitty gang bang"
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    stevie wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo. The place is absolutely
    packed to the rafters. stevie, in a bid to break the ice with his new audience, asks if anyone would like him to play a request..
    A little old japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice;

    "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

    Amazed that this guy knows about stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts;

    "No! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

    A bit pee'd off by this, stevie - being the professional that he is - dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man then jumps up again;

    "No! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

    Well and truly pee'd off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, stevie says to him from the stage;

    "Christ, how about you get up here and do it?!"

    To his amazement, the litte old man climbs up onto the stage and grabs the microphone out of stevie's hands. As the crowd falls silent, he clears his throat and belts out;

    "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"

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