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Thread: Friday jokes...

  
  1. #1
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    Friday jokes...

    Some one make me laugh...

    Q: What's the difference between Father Christmas
    and Tiger Woods?



    A: Father Christmas stops after three ho's.


    HO HO HO.....
    Celica T-Sport , Audi S3 , scania r series

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    It has been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for Tiger Woods will be Tampax.

    A spokesman for Tampax said:


    "To sponsor a ***** going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."

    Little johnny was looking forward to the end of the year and christmas and was gagging to get home. His teacher late one friday afternoon announced to the class that she was going to hold an impromptu quiz and if you answered the question correctly you could go home early.

    The first question was "Who said "I have a dream?" without so much of a pause Mary said "Martin Luther King Miss"
    The teacher called her correct and sent her home early. Little Johnny was furious but waited for his turn.......

    The next question was "Who said "Ask not what your country can do for you?". Very quickly Garry said "JFK Miss". Off he went home.

    Johnny was livid but knew he was going to get the next one right and go home early. The next question was "who said "I am not a crook" Holly jumped in the air and said "Nixon Miss" She was excused from class and skipped off home.

    At this point Miss looked out the window as the snow started to fall again and little johnny being absolutely fuming and gagging to get out in the snow said "what these bitches need is to keep their gobs shut"
    Angry at the expletive miss turned to the class "who said that?" little johnny looked up and said "Tiger Woods......now can i ****ing go please"
    Celica T-Sport , Audi S3 , scania r series

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    Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous and for his humanitarian work.

    At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for complete silence.

    Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

    Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

    A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet.....

    "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil b@stard!"
    Celica T-Sport , Audi S3 , scania r series

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    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

    Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

    The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

    The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

    The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.
    Honda Civic Type R

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    I just bought a wicked new game for my XBox. Its about a mad black bloke who drives around screwing whores, crashes his car, evades the police and gets beaten by his wife.




    It's called Tiger Woods 2010!
    Astra sold ... replaced with a Skoda ... soon to be replaced with another Vauxhall

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    Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.




    What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards
    Honda Civic Type R

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    Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

    The Indian man said to the American,

    "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."

    The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

    I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

    The American continued,

    My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

    And you say you have family problems.... Give me a break!!"

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    The 11thHusband....

    A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

    "Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

    "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

    "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

    "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

    "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

    " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

    "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

    "Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
    This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
    SCREWED."

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