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Thread: Midweek Joke

  
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    Midweek Joke

    An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser.

    The barman replied "You're American aren't you?"

    The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"

    The barman replied. "Neither, you're the fattest **** I have ever seen."



    Statistically... 9/11 American's won't get this joke.
    Fastest, Most Powerful & Only Mag Featured Astra In The AOC Cumbrian Region

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    What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts.
    What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts.
    What do you call nuts on a chin? A blowjob.

    and

    The boss came in and asked the new secretary,
    "Ellen, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?"
    "No," she replied.
    "Great! Let's have lunch."
    Fastest, Most Powerful & Only Mag Featured Astra In The AOC Cumbrian Region

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    It seems Dwarfism is a growing problem.
    Fastest, Most Powerful & Only Mag Featured Astra In The AOC Cumbrian Region

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    someone has too much time on their hands ... lol

    the last one is great, text messages here we come!
    Astra sold ... replaced with a Skoda ... soon to be replaced with another Vauxhall

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    Puts the new meaning into Autobots....



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    Lol!! Nice one.

    I hold back on jokes now in case of the dreaded 'repost' squad
    Honda Civic Type R

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    Top 10 Country & Western Songs


    10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

    9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With a Few.

    8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

    7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

    6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

    5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

    4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Miss Him.

    3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

    2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

    *** And the Number One Country & Western song is...

    1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
    Astra sold ... replaced with a Skoda ... soon to be replaced with another Vauxhall

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    Nicola Bennett: Thanks for the wishes of health but my dad died at 4:34am this morning.

    * Edward James likes this.
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    whats 6 inches long has a purple head and woman love it?????

    A £20 note

    -------------------------------


    A young black kid was cooking with his mother and splashed the flour all over his face and said "Look Mom I'm white". She smacked him and told him "GO SHOW YOUR FATHER". He walked outside and went in the backyard to his father. "Look Dad, I'm white!". His father smacked him and said "Go show your Grandfather." So the kid walked across the street to his grandfathers and knocked on the door. "Look Grandfather, I'm white!". His grandfather smacked him and sent him home. He walked into the house and his mother was waiting for him. "what did you learn Son?" The son looked up at his mother and said "I've been white for only 15 minutes, and I already hate Black People."

    ------------------------------------------


    Male/Female Comebacks

    Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
    Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

    Man: Is this seat empty?
    Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
    Man: Is that because you'll be on your knees sucking my c**k?

    Man: You're pretty
    Woman: piss off.
    Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... f***in ugly, you f***in bitch.

    Male: Would you like to dance?
    Female: I'd rather die.
    Male: I think you misheard me. I said your arse looks fat in those jeans

    ------------------------------------------

    A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
    "Both son. God is both."

    After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

    "Both son, both. "

    "Daddy, does God love children?"

    "Yes son, he loves all children. "

    The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

    --------------------------------------

    A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

    "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

    He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

    "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

    The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

    "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

    "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

    "How did you know?"

    "You left your wheelchair at the bar again. "

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