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Thread: Think you are ready for children?

  
  1. #1
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    Think you are ready for children?

    14 simple tests...

    So funny and oh so true!


    Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

    1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
    2. Leave it there.
    3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

    Men: To prepare for children:-

    1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
    counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
    2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
    their head office.
    3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

    Test 2 - Knowledge

    Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
    methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
    levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
    ways in which
    they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
    manners and overall behavior.

    Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all
    the answers.


    Test 3 - Nights

    To discover how the nights will feel:

    1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
    weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some
    other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
    2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
    sleep.
    3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
    4. Set the alarm for 3am.
    5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
    6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
    7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
    8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
    9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
    10. Make breakfast.

    Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

    Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

    1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
    2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang
    out.

    Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

    Test 5 - Cars

    1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
    2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
    Leave it there.
    3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
    4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
    5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

    Test 6 - Going For a Walk

    Wait
    Go out the front door
    Come back in again
    Go out
    Come back in again
    Go out again
    Walk down the front path
    Walk back up it
    Walk down it again
    Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
    Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of
    used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
    Retrace your steps
    Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
    come out and stare at you.
    Give up and go back into the house.

    You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

    Test 7

    Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

    Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

    1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
    find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
    intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
    2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
    sight.
    3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

    Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
    children.

    Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

    1. Hollow out a melon
    2. Make a small hole in the side
    3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
    4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
    swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
    5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
    6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
    floor.

    Test 10 - TV

    1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
    Teletubbies and Disney.
    2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

    Test 11 - Mess

    Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

    1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
    2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
    3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
    walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
    4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor
    & leave it there.

    Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

    1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
    Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
    occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
    2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

    You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

    Test 13 - Conversations

    1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
    2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve
    while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

    You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
    child in the room.

    Test 14 - Getting ready for work

    1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
    2. Put on your finest work attire.
    3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
    4. Stir
    5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
    6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
    7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
    8.. Do not change (you have no time).
    9. Go directly to work

    You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

  2. #2
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    very good

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    hahaha. that is quality!

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    Yer...I'm nuts!!
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    Follow untouchable On Twitter
    Oh, so very, very true lol


  5. #5
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    pmsl
    Graham
    Astra H 1.8 Sri XP sporthatch 58
    Star Silver

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    Is that supposed to be a joke!

    Every one that has 2 kids knows that the above is in actual fact....

    FACTUAL!!

    we wouldnt change it for the world though... well maybe without the fish

  7. #7
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    oh its all so true
    Why not sign up and join us.
    Become a member today

  8. #8
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    Another point that would suit is going to work for a break and not the other way around!

    Well at least i do anyway!

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