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Thread: LMAO - sweet story about Cyril the astra!

  
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    Thumbs Up LMAO - sweet story about Cyril the astra!

    Just been browsing ebay as an elderly gentleman in our region who wishes to join AOC (but hasn't got a computer or internet unfortunatley) with a lovely mk1 astra, has called me and asked if I'd help him find another car - a mk1 estate. I said I'd do my best and chase a few contacts as well to see if we can find him something.

    Unfortunatley no mk1 estates on ebay, but I did come across this. I've alternetly been going "aaaaw" and at the saga of Cyril the astra, he clearly loves his car very much, so it'd be great if we could help him find a loving new home. Don't move this thread to classifieds by the way, it's more a cute story about an astra than anything, if he finds a new home I guess that'd be a bonus though, I wish I could afford him!

    CYRIL THE MK3 ASTRA ESTATE:



    YOU ARE BIDDING ON MY GOOD FRIEND CYRIL
    HE IS A 12 YEAR OLD RED VAUXHALL ASTRA ESTATE.

    IM NOT SURE OF HIS EXACT BIRTHDATE, I THINK HE MAY HAVE BEEN ADOPTED WHEN HE WAS REALLY YOUNG BUT HE WAS BORN SOMETIME AROUND LATE 95 OR EARLY 1996, THIS IS ONLY A PRESUMPTION BECAUSE AROUND THAT TIME, MOST NEW BABIES FROM THE VAUXHALL FAMILY HAD A VERY DISTINCTIVE POINTY NOSE WITH A LITTLE CHROME 'V' ON IT.

    ANYWAY, CYRIL HAS BEEN A FRIEND OF MINE FOR ABOUT 5 YEARS AND DURING THAT TIME WEVE HAD A GOOD LAUGH AND IT UPSETS ME TO ADMIT THAT I REALLY HAVE TO SEND HIM AWAY, LITTLE DOES CYRIL KNOW, BUT IVE REPLACED HIM WITH A YOUNGER MODEL, NOT A GREAT DEAL YOUNGER BUT DEFINATELY BETTER LOOKING, WHICH IS WHY I HAVENT MENTIONED IT TO CYRIL YET, I KNOW HED BE UPSET BECAUSE HES THE SENSITIVE TYPE.

    I FOUND THIS OUT ONE DAY WHEN HE WAS REASONABLY NEW TO ME, WE WERE OUT CRUISING, CHECKING OUT THE CHICKS ONE SUMMERS DAY WHEN I WAS TOLD BY SOME UN-EDUCATED LADY TO 'TURN THAT CRAP DOWN'.

    NOW I KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE A STRANGE SENSE OF REALITY SO AFTER A MENTAL TRANSLATION I DECIDED THAT SHE MEANT THE SOUND QUALITY ON MY RADIO WAS CRAP, BECAUSE HOW COULD THE EAGLES BE CALLED CRAP BY ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND!!!
    WELL I BLAMED THE RADIO, IT WAS AN OLD STANDARD VAUXHALL RADIO CASSETTE AND THE TAPE WAS PRETTY WELL WORN SO I DECIDED THAT IT NEEDED CHANGING, I WOUND MY WINDOW UP, PRESSED EJECT ON THE TAPE, REMOVED THE TAPE AND PUT IT BACK IN ITS CASE THEN RIPPED THE RADIO OUT OF THE HOLE AND THREW IT INTO THE BOOT SHOUTING OBSCENITIES OF A GRAPHIC NATURE AT POOR CYRIL.

    WELL, THIS WAS WHERE HIS SENSITIVE SIDE WOULD FIRST SHOW, THAT NIGHT AFTER A LONG DRIVE I NOTICED HE WASNT HIS USUAL BRIGHT AND CHEERFUL SELF, HIS INSTRUMENTS WERENT GLOWING WITH THE USUAL RADIANCE AND I SUSPECTED THAT HE WAS UPSET SO I HEADED FOR HOME AND PARKED HIM UP FOR THE NIGHT.

    NEXT MORNING I DECIDED TO TREAT HIM TO A NEW CD PLAYER, ONE THAT WOULD PLAY CD'S INSTEAD OF CASSETTES, NOW IF YOU DONT KNOW THIS, CD'S (COMPACT DISCS) ARE A NEW TYPE OF MUSIC STORAGE FACILITY WHICH INCIDENTALLY ARE BIGGER AND MORE EXPENSIVE THAN CASSETTE TAPES SO I PRESUMED CYRIL WOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT THE UPGRADE BUT WHEN I GOT IN THE CAR AND TURNED THE KEY ................NOTHING.
    THIS IS 'NOT' A NORMAL REACTION FROM CYRIL, HE IS NORMALLY ON THE BALL WITH STARTING, FIRST TIME EVERY TIME ON THE NAIL IS WHAT NORMALLY HAPPENS, THEN I REMEMBERED WHAT HAPPENED THE DAY BEFORE, WHERE I SHOUTED AT HIM AND RIPPED HIS VOICE BOX OUT AFTER HE MADE ME LOOK A FOOL IN FRONT OF THAT CUTE LADY WEARING 'SHORT' SHORTS.

    I KNEW I WAS GONNA HAVE TO SPOIL HIM A BIT TO GET HIM BACK ON SIDE SO I GOT HIM A NEW CD PLAYER TO REPLACE HIS OLD ONE AND AS AN EXTRA SIGN OF GRATITUDE I TREATED HIM TO A SERVICE AND A NEW ALTERNATOR, AFTER THIS HE FORGAVE ME AND WE GOT BACK TO CRUISING AND HAVING A GENERAL GOOD TIME.

    WE EVEN WENT TO WEMBLEY TO SEE THE EAGLES PLAY ONE TIME BUT THIS WAS A FUNNY DAY OUT, ON THE WAY DOWN THERE JUST BELOW BIRMINGHAM I WAS PLAYING THE MUSIC SO LOUD, CYRIL GOT ALL EXCITED AND STARTED DANCING, BUT WE WERE MOVING PRETTY QUICK AT THE TIME AND HE GOT THAT EXCITED HE BURTS HIS LITTLE TYRE ON THE BACK, SO ME AND CYRIL (AND THE MRS) WENT DANCING DOWN THE M6 AT 70MPH (DUE TO SPEED RESTRICTIONS ON THE MOTORWAY) SIDEWAYS, AND THEN BACKWARDS, AND THEN SIDEWAYS AGAIN, THEN FINALLY THE RIGHT WAY ROUND AGAIN, HE LIKES GOING ROUND IN CIRCLES BUT THE MRS GOT A LITTLE BIT SCARED
    WHEN SHE GOT OUT THE CAR SHE WAS AS PALE AS CYRILS PAINT, ANYWAY I CHECKED THE SPARE TYRE AND HEY PRESTO, I FOUND ONE, BUT AS LUCK WOULD HAVE HAD IT, THE SPARE WAS DOWN, IT WAS AT THIS TIME I DECIDED TO KICK THE FLAT TYRE (BIG MISTAKE)

    THE AA CAME OUT AND PUT SOME AIR IN CYRILS SPARE TYRE, BUT BECAUSE I HAD KICKED HIM, HE DECIDED TO START PLAYING GAMES AND LETTING THE AIR BACK OUT, BUT WE FINALLY MADE IT TO WEMBLEY WHERE I LEFT CYRIL IN THE CAR PARK FOR BEING NAUGHTY AND ME AND THE MRS WATCHED THE EAGLES, WHEN I CAME OUT, CYRILS TYRE WAS COMPLATELY FLAT, I HAD NO OPTION BUT TO DRIVE IT OUT TO THE MAIN ROAD THEN CALL THE AA, WE WAITED ABOUT AN HOUR, AND I USED THIS TIME TO SEND THE MRS DOWN THE KEBAB SHOP WHILE I MADE IT UP TO CYRIL, THEN I TREATED HIM TO SOME MORE AIR AND A FEW CANS OF TYRE WELD, I THINK HE APPRECIATED IT BECAUSE THE TYRE STAYED UP DESPITE HAVING HARDLY NO RUBBER ON THE OUTER EDGE AND HE GOT ME ALL THE WAY HOME, AND ABOUT ANOTHER 200 MILES AFTER THAT, THEN I CHANGED THE TYRE BECAUSE HED BEEN SO GOOD TO ME HE DESERVED A GIFT

    NOW REMEMBER HES 12 YEARS OLD, AND BEING FROM THE VAUXHALL FAMILY HAS ITS ADVANTAGES AS WELL AS ITS DISADVANTAGES, WE KNOW THAT THE VAUXHALL DIESEL ENGINES ARE REKNOWNED FOR RELIABILITY UNDER NORMAL USE, AS LONG AS THEYRE LOOKED AFTER AND SERVICED REGULAR THEY WILL RUN FOREVER, AND THIS ONE HAS BEEN LOOKED AFTER MECHANICALLY, I KNEW THE 2 PREVIOUS OWNERS AND KNEW THAT THEY HAD SPENT LOTS OF MONEY MAKING SURE HE WAS ALWAYS IN THE BEST SHAPE MECHANICALLY BUT 12 YEARS ON THE STREETS OF NORTH WEST ENGLAND IS NOT THE BEST PLACE FOR A CAR TO LIVE, BUT ITS CERTAINLY NOT THE WORST EITHER, DURING THE 12+ YEARS HE HAS HAD THE NOT- SO-OCCASIONAL SCRAPE OR KNOCK BUT HES NEVER HAD ANY REAL ACCIDENTS, AS A RESULT HE HAS A DENT ON THE LEFT HAND REAR DOOR ABOVE THE RUBBING STRIP WHICH IS ONLY COSMETIC AND TO BE HONEST, I THOUGHT IT GAVE CYRIL A BIT OF CHARACTER AND THE TAILGATE HAS A LITTLE BIT OF A DENT BUT ITS HARDLY WORTH BOTHERING ABOUT, AND THE TAILGATE PLASTIC COVER DOESNT FIT GREAT, BUT ITS ON SOLID SO I JUST LEFT IT AS IT WAS.

    WEVE TRAVELLED ALL OVER THE COUNTRY OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS, FROM SCOTLAND TO SOUTHAMPTON AND FROM LIVERPOOL TO SCARBOROUGH, EVERYWHERE AND ANYWHERE, CYRIL IS THE MARTINI CAR, AND IVE FILLED HIM FULL OF ALL KINDS OF STUFF FROM BOXES TO PEOPLE TO MOTORBIKE PARTS AND EVEN FULL MOTORBIKES (STRIPPED DOWN A LITTLE TO GET THEM IN THE BACK), I EVEN HAD ONE ON THE ROOF ONCE, AND CYRIL WAS REALLY HAPPY TO OBLIGE, HE WAS ALWAYS EGGING ME ON SAYING THINGS LIKE 'I BET U CANT GET ANY MORE CRAP IN THERE' AND 'HEY YOU SHOULD TAKE A JOB IN A TURKEY STUFFING FACTORY' WELL I JUST TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE AND HE NEVER LET ME DOWN, I EVEN WENT OUT ONE TIME AND BOUGHT HIM A TROLLEY (TRAILER) SO HE COULD CARRY MORE STUFF, HE JUST KEEPS ON GOING NO MATTER WHAT U PILE INSIDE/ON TOP, BEHIND ETC.

    HE NOW HAS 142000 MILES ON THE CLOCKS BUT I KNOW HE WILL EASILY GO FOR ANOTHER GOOD FEW YEARS AS LONG AS HE IS LOOKED AFTER MECHANICALLY, HE IS IN NEED OF AN BLOOD TRANSFUSION AT THE MOMENT, BUT I DIDNT DO IT BECAUSE HE HAS A CUT (IT LOOKS WORSE THAN IT IS BECAUSE I HAVENT BOTHERED TO SORT IT OUT) WHICH I DIDNT GET ROUND TO PUTTING A PLASTER ON IT, HE IS BLEEDING SLIGHTLY WHEN WARM, BUT ITS NOTHING MAJOR AND THE 'OIL FILTER HOUSING SEAL (O RING)' NEEDED TO CURE IT WILL COST MAX £7 FROM VAUXHALLS.
    ONCE THATS DONE, HE WILL BE AS RELIABLE AS EVER AND READY TO TAKE ON WHATEVER RESPONSIBILITY HIS NEW OWNER PUTS TO HIM, BUT I WOULD RECOMMEND A NEW SPLEEN AND A BLOOD TRANSFUSION (OIL AND FILTER) AND MAYBE A NEW BELT TO KEEP HIS PANTS UP, IT WOULD BE A SHAME TO SEE HIM DROPPING HIS BOTTOM END THIS LATE IN LIFE SO REPLACING THE TIMING BELT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA.

    NOW WE ALL KNOW EARLY VAUXHALLS IN THIS COLOUR SUFFERED FROM DERMATALOGICAL PROBLEMS SIMILAR TO THAT SUFFERED BY THE FAMOUSLY FREAKY AND WEIRD MICHAEL JACKSON.

    CYRILS SKIN PIGMENTATION IS PALING QUITE DRASTICALLY, BUT THIS IS ONLY A PROBLEM IF YOU DONT LIKE PINK SKIN, A GOOD SMEARING OF CONCEALER AND COMPOUND SHOULD GET HIM READY FOR A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN AGAIN, BUT HE WILL NEVER BE A MODEL, AND HE KNOWS THIS.

    AT 12 (ALMOST 13) YEARS OF AGE HE KNOWS HES GETTING A BIT OLD FOR CRUISING BUT HE HAS MATURED WELL AND LOVES TO WORK, WHICH IS WHAT HE DONE FOR ME AS I SAID BEFORE.

    AT THE MOMENT HE IS STAYING AT MY PARENTS HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT HIM TO MEET HIS REPLACEMENT, BUT IVE JUST BEEN OUT WITH HIM AN HOUR AGO AND TOOK HIM ROUND TO THE LOCAL PASSPORT OFFICE AND GOT HIM A NEW PASSPORT, HE WAS NEARLY REFUSED BECAUSE OF A FEW THINGS (WIPER BLADES AND BULBS) BUT I MADE SURE HE WAS ABLE TO TRAVEL, HE GOT A COUPLE OF ADVISES ON THE MOT, BUT APART FROM THAT HE HAS A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH.

    WHATS HE LIKE INSIDE
    WELL, NOT PERFECT, BUT NOT BAD FOR A 12 YEAR OLD WORKING CAR, AT TIMES HES BEEN USED FOR PAINTING, BUILDING, JOINERY, MECHANICS, ROOFING, GARDENING, RUBBISH REMOVALS, TRANSPORTING ETC BUT DESPITE THIS HE HAS FAIRED UP WELL, HIS SEATS ARE STILL IN PRETTY GOOD CONDITION AND REASONABLY CLEAN, OBVIOUSLY A VALET WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA IF YOUR PLANNING ON WEARING A GUCCI SUIT WHILE CHECKING OUT THE BABES ALONG THE BEACHFRONT OF LOS ANGELES BUT IF YOUR USING IS AS A WORKING CAR ITS IDEAL AS IT IS.
    THERE ARE NO REAL TEARS AND THE SEAT FOAM IS STILL OK, AND ITS STILL COMFORTABLE ON A LONG DRIVE, SO THAT TRIP TO L.A. IS DEFINATELY A POSSIBILITY WITH THIS CAR.

    THINK OF IT, SUN, SAND, PALM TREES, BABES ON ROLLER SKATES, OK MAYBE IM BIGGING IT UP A BIT BUT ITS ALL FOR CYRIL, HES TREATED ME WELL OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS AND I THINK HE DESERVES A GOOD LIFE AND A NEW OWNER WHO WOULD TAKE HIM ROUND THE WORLD TO SEE LOTS OF DIFFERENT THINGS, IVE ONLY HAD THE CHANCE TO TAKE HIM ROUND ENGLAND SO HES NOT REALLY HAD THE LIFE HE SHOULD.

    I WAS ROUND AT MY PARENTS HOUSE A FEW DAYS AGO SPEAKING TO HIM AND DECIDED TO TAKE A FEW PICS OF HIM FOR THE AD, ILL LIST THEM BELOW SO YOU CAN SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE MICHAEL JACKSON EFFECT
    I THINK ITS POSSIBLE TO BRING HIM BACK TO HIS FORMER GLORY BUT AT THIS POINT IN LIFE, IS IT REALLY WORTH IT

    SO, WHAT DO YOU GET:

    A 12-13 YEAR OLD VAUXHALL ASTRA DIESEL ESTATE.
    RED - PINK IN COLOUR WITH 142000 MILES AND A FULL MOT.
    HE HAS A SUNROOF AND ROOF BARS, HE ALSO HAS A TOW BAR WHICH IS GREAT FOR TOWING A TRAILER FULL OF FROGS. ( )

    HE HAS POWER ASSISTED STEERING (FOR THE GIRLS) AND MECHANICALLY OPERATED DOOR WINDOWS FOR THE GUYS.
    HE HAS A CD PLAYER WHICH WILL PLAY BOTH EAGLES CD'S AND NON-EAGLES CD'S, IT ALSO PLAYS LOTS OF DIFFERENT RADIO FREQUENCIES WHICH IS GOOD IF YOU TRAVEL AROUND A LOT AND RUN OUT OF EAGLES CD'S.

    HE HAS A GOOD STRONG ENGINE, ITS THE GM ENGINE AND ITS A 1.7 TURBO DIESEL, AND ALTHOUGH HES DONE A FAIR FEW MILES, HE WILL NO DOUBT GO ON TO DO A GOOD FEW MORE YEARS WORTH OF TRAVELLING AND TRANSPORTING AND CRUISING (IF THATS WHAT YA WANNA DO).

    AS FAR AS I KNOW THERE ARE NO OTHER FAULTS APART FROM THE USUAL MARKS AND SIGNS FROM NORMAL USE, PLUS THE OIL LEAK AS IVE MENTIONED ABOVE.
    WHY NOT TREAT HIM TO A SET OF 18 INCH ALLOYS AND A COAT OF MATT BLACK PAINT, THEN YOUD HAVE AN ULTRA COOL MOTOR, WORTHY OF A TRIP TO L.A.

    CYRIL JUST NEEDS A LOVING HOME, SOMEWHERE WHERE HE CAN WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND GO TO WORK, AT THE MOMENT HES UNEMPLOYED AND LIVING AWAY FROM HOME, THIS IS TOO STRESSFUL ON BOTH MYSELF AND CYRIL, ALSO MY PARENTS HAVE THE EXTRA STRESS OF HAVING TO KEEP HIM COMPANY AND TO BE HONEST, THEY ARE NOT THE MOST CAR FRIENDLY PEOPLE AROUND, THEY DONT SPEND ANY REAL TIME WITH HIM, THEY DONT EVEN TALK TO HIM MUCH SO HE IS SUFFERING FROM BOREDOM AT THE MOMENT.

    WILL YOU BE THE ONE TO RESCUE HIM, CYRIL NEEDS YOU.
    PLACE A BID NOW AND MAKE HIM THE HAPPIEST LITTLE ASTRA IN THE WORLD.

    HE WILL SELL TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER, BUT IS ALSO ADVERTISED ELSEWHERE NATIONALLY AND LOCALLY.
    ANY QUESTIONS PLEASE USE THE ASK SELLER A QUESTION LINK.

    10% DEPOSIT TO BE PAID VIA PAYPAL WITHIN 24 HOURS OF AUCTION END, BALANCE TO BE PAID UPON COLLECTION FROM LIVERPOOL (NEAR THE END OF THE M62) WITHIN 7 DAYS OF AUCTION END.

    NON PAYERS WILL BE REPORTED TO EBAY AND NEGATIVE FEEDBACK WILL BE LEFT.

    PLEASE ONLY BID TO BUY, BIDS ON THIS ITEM ARE A BINDING CONTRACT, NO ZERO FEEDBACK BIDDERS.
    THANX FOR LOOKING AND HAPPY BIDDING.

    P.S. IF YOU WISH TO VIEW THE CAR BEFORE THE END OF AUCTION THEN SEND ME A MESSAGE AND ILL SEND MY PHONE NUMBER, ALSO I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DO COME OUT COULD YOU NOT TELL CYRIL HES BEING REPLACED, IT COULD HAVE A NEGATIVE EFFECT ON HIS HEALTH!!!





    (FYI the link is here:
    http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.d...id=p2759.l1259 )

    Cute or what? I'm going to see if I can persuade Howard that he needs a mk3 estate instead of a mk1! I'm sure with some t-cut and a valet he'll be a lovely little runner!

    Kirsty

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    possibly the weirdest, but funniest and most entertaining ebay listing i've ever read.

    good stuff!


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    Takes all sorts to make the world go round, but that was pretty funny!
    Sounds like he's really attached to the car mind.
    Number 365 VXR

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    Follow AndyH On Twitter Add AndyH on Facebook Add AndyH on Google+
    A bit of TLC should see that right
    Actively proving that post counts mean jack sh*t since 1971

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    tbh if he was closer to where I live I'd offer to go round and valet cyril for free (co-incedentally my evil citroen van is also called cyril) and give him a good t-cut back to flame red and some polish, get him looking gorgeous again in the hopes he'll attract a better home.
    Kirsty

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    Thats brilliant! haahaa
    Thought i would get a new motor for the missus........................... it would be a great swap!

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    Brilliant story. I dont know weather to cry that theres someone actually that sad to write all that, or laugh thats someones written that

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    Follow jam On Twitter
    Great story has perked up my day for sure.
    Its a jam thing

    Haec credam a deo pio, a deo justo, a deo scito?



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    What a weapon ! £245 - can see a forum car project in the making pmsl

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    i think the owner needs part ex'ing!

    how can you name a car cyril, poor thing no wounder it had a blow out! - logical answer there was trying to get rid of the owners! lol

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