1. Two blondes walk into a building........ ..
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
12 . A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
13. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
14. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
15 . Terror attack in Ireland today, as the Irish alkida terrorist tried to blow up a train, apparently police boarded the train and
found 30 paddy's glued to the ceiling! they later confirmed the device was a no more nails bomb!