PETER KAY THEORIES
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my
step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the
mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No,
Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they
get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
core of the earth
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion
in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you here is wet
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as
schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat
1 Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
arm broken by a swan.
19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
specifically to stir paint with.
22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.