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Thread: Top Tips

  
  1. #1
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    fordy's Avatar
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    Smile Top Tips

    Top Tips


    DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.


    RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

    DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

    WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
    wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
    the stains.


    MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

    EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

    MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
    volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
    wife from having to do it.

    GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending Ł50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

    BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

    BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
    wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

    ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

    DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
    and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

    PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
    everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
    morning, simply move it all back again.

    CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
    valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

    DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
    simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

    JEREMY BEADLE: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

    SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

    SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

    BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
    into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

    ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
    pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

    McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

    WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a damn anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.




    Sorry if it's a repost.

  2. #2
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    GSI_Butch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fordy
    WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a damn anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.
    Qwalitee !!!
    GSi Turbo - CS2 - 253bhp / 275ft/lb Torque
    1/4 mile - 14.62secs @ 95.5mph

  3. #3
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    Skót's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fordy
    Top Tips


    BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
    wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
    And they read this how?
    DELETED BY ADMIN -MATG

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    Very Very funny cheered me up no end
    e
    The bitterness of poor quality is remembered long after the sweetness of low price is forgotten.

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    BigTimmy's Avatar
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    [quote]DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.[quote]

    Tee Hee !!!

    Couldnt be closer to the truth

    Always makes me chuckle !!

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