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Thread: some useful tips

  
  1. #1
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    Vauxylady's Avatar
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    some useful tips

    > 1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
    > jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
    > almost instantly removed.
    >
    > 2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
    > going back to sleep.
    >
    > 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
    > someone else to hold them while you chop away.
    >
    > 4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
    > people as they walk up the aisle.
    >
    > 5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
    > chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in
    > the first place, you fat b*st*rds.
    >
    > 6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
    > morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
    > full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
    >
    > 7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
    > by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
    > urinating into it, before jumping in.
    >
    > 8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
    > a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
    >
    > 9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
    > two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
    > following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
    >
    > 10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
    > what you want to look at.
    >
    > 11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
    > fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
    >
    > 12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
    > direction of oncoming traffic.
    >
    > 13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
    >
    > 14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
    > cakes again.
    >
    > 15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
    > coat hanger in an emergency.
    >
    > 16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
    > imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
    > intended destination in the first place.
    >
    > 17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
    > inexpensive vibrator.
    >
    > 18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
    > steroids by running a bit slower.
    >
    > 19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
    > p*ssing in the sink.
    >
    > 20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
    > veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
    > etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
    >
    > 21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
    > be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
    > yours, and ask for a nice steak.
    >
    > 22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex '. Take your
    > missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
    > wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
    >
    > 23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
    > circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from
    > the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
    > that it has gone.
    >
    > 24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
    > paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.


    Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

  2. #2
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    Gazza's Avatar
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    hahaha some good ones there

  3. #3
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    lol some good ones there

  4. #4
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    Sten's Avatar
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    lol they are great
    Previous Astras: 1994 Cesaro 1.8 16v | 2002 SXi 1.6 16v | 2001 Coupé 2.0 Turbo | 1999 LS 1.6 16v
    Other Vauxhalls: 2001 Vectra 1.8 16v| 2003 Vectra GSi 3.2 V6 | 2005 Signum CDTi 150

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