> 1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
> jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
> almost instantly removed.
> 2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
> going back to sleep.
> 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> 4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
> people as they walk up the aisle.
> 5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
> chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in
> the first place, you fat b*st*rds.
> 6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
> morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
> full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
> 7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
> by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
> urinating into it, before jumping in.
> 8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
> a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
> 9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
> two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
> following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
> 10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
> what you want to look at.
> 11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
> fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> 12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
> direction of oncoming traffic.
> 13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
> 14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
> cakes again.
> 15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
> coat hanger in an emergency.
> 16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
> imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
> intended destination in the first place.
> 17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
> inexpensive vibrator.
> 18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
> steroids by running a bit slower.
> 19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
> p*ssing in the sink.
> 20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
> veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
> etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
> 21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
> be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
> yours, and ask for a nice steak.
> 22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex '. Take your
> missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
> wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
> 23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
> circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from
> the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
> that it has gone.
> 24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
> paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.