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Thread: Tommy Cooperisms....

  
  1. #1
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    Sten's Avatar
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    Tommy Cooperisms....

    Tommy Cooperisms..........to brighten up your day. most are so bad they are funny!...


    >>1. Phone answering machine message -
    >>"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
    >>
    >>2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
    >>shorts.
    >>The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
    >>
    >>3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
    >>couldn't find any.
    >>
    >>4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
    >>that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
    >>He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
    >>
    >>5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
    >>A strong currant pulled him in.
    >>
    >>6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
    >>shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!
    >>" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
    >>
    >>7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
    >>
    >>
    >>8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
    >>in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
    >>kayak and heat it.
    >>
    >>9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
    >>hundreds and thousands.
    >>Police say that he topped himself.
    >>
    >>10.Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
    >>Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
    >>
    >>11."Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
    >>"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
    >>"Is it common? "
    >>"It's not unusual."
    >>
    >>12.A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
    >>anything you can do for him?"
    >>
    >>
    >>"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
    >>So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    >>Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
    >>
    >>
    >>"What? because he's cross-eyed?"
    >>
    >>
    >>"No, because he's really heavy"
    >>
    >>13.Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
    >>backside. "
    >>
    >>
    >>"How's that?"
    >>"Don't you start."
    >>
    >>14.Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
    >>
    >>15.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
    >>
    >>16.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
    >>me
    >>a lift?"
    >>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
    >>
    >>17.Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
    >>There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
    >>It's either my mum or my dad,
    >>or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
    >>But I think its Colin.
    >>
    >>18.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
    >>other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
    >>
    >>19."You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
    >>They left a little note on the windscreen.
    >>It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
    >>
    >>20.A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
    >>places"
    >>The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
    >>
    >>21.Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
    >>two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
    >>workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
    >>as digging continues into the night
    Previous Astras: 1994 Cesaro 1.8 16v | 2002 SXi 1.6 16v | 2001 Coupé 2.0 Turbo | 1999 LS 1.6 16v
    Other Vauxhalls: 2001 Vectra 1.8 16v| 2003 Vectra GSi 3.2 V6 | 2005 Signum CDTi 150

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    Col_M's Avatar
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    LMAO!!!
    Ally wings, less " The Fast and the Furious" more "The Gay and the Gaudy"

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    they are great lol


    Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

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    Good man Sten, gave my work a good laugh.
    "You've got some red on you"

    Theres only one team in Ayrshire.

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    Some good ones there, made me laugh.

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    good old tommy cooper

    "juss like thattttt"
    Ibiza FR CR TDI with 203 BHP

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    rotfpmslmao
    So....Sods law dictates bread will always land butter side down! A cat thrown out of a window will always land on it's feet. Take one cat, butter it's back and throw it out the window..What happens?!

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    There are two great teams in Liverpool.....Liverpool and Liverpool Reserves..........

    Bill Shankley

  9. #9
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    My fave is.......

    I phoned the council and said I wanted a skip outside my house.

    They said "I'm not stopping you"
    why do today what you can...... I'll finish this later

    2958cc was 175BHP @ 4000rpm, 370Nm (273lb.ft.) @ 1900rpm NOW 230BHP/469Nm (344.9lb/ft)!! www.IUsedToOwnTwoAstras.com

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