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Thread: Edinburgh Joke Festival samples

  
  1. #1
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    Edinburgh Joke Festival samples

    A few of these are a bit below the belt, but to be taken with a pinch of salt:



    My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
    wasnever smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
    (Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

    The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
    sh*tting herself. (Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)

    Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
    were given pointed sticks? (Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

    My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. (Susan Murray at the
    Underbelly)

    Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
    A: The ultrasound people.
    (David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)

    I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said,
    "Say something funny then."
    I told them I had just graduated from flying school. (Ahmed Ahmed at
    C34)

    A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,
    "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
    we're not going to get much done." (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

    I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
    (Marcus
    Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)

    Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind
    legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
    enjoying it as well. (Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)

    My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking
    he would have been better off with more oxygen. (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

    You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend t ells you, because
    eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
    And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
    (Addy
    Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)

    The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
    someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)

    Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. (Jimmy
    Carr)

    My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox.
    The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
    (Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance)

    I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
    obvious one was "Shout For Help". (Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)

    I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
    out of Cork ... (Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)

    Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
    it was a bloody hoax. (Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)

    A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
    hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join The
    circus?"
    The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber". (Steven
    Alan Green at C34)

    Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
    and a loser at the same time. (Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)

    An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian
    princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. (Ahmed
    Ahmed at C34)

    Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign
    that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a
    rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! (Seymour Mace at Café Royal)

    I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got
    one!" (Norman Lovett at The Stand)

    The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
    bears.
    (Chris Addison at the Pleasance)

    Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious,
    but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person."
    What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be ar*ed
    going to church." (Colin Ramone at The Stand)

    50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
    (Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance)

    I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
    "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" (Arnold
    Brown at The Stand)

    'Schindler's List' ... I got that out, thinking it was a porn movie. Well
    ... the title's in German ... and it did feature a shower scene. (Ricky
    Gervais at The Playhouse)

  2. #2
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    An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian
    princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. (Ahmed
    Ahmed at C34)


    some good ones in there!

  3. #3
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    some really good ones there suit my sence of humour

  4. #4
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    hehe some good uns

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    PMSL @ some, others were utter crap.
    We have been meaning to go to the festival for the last few years... We almost made it this year, pehaps next year will be the one
    Scotland Region
    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

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    Was at the stand comedy club tonight and last thursday...Man the thursday night compare Raymond is FEcking amaaaaazning. Word of warning if you go dont sit at the front.
    -.. . - . -.-. - .. ...- . / -- --- .-. ... . / .. ... / -.. . .- -.. ?

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