A few of these are a bit below the belt, but to be taken with a pinch of salt:
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
wasnever smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
(Susan Murray at the Underbelly)
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself. (Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks? (Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. (Susan Murray at the
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said,
"Say something funny then."
I told them I had just graduated from flying school. (Ahmed Ahmed at
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we're not going to get much done." (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind
legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
enjoying it as well. (Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking
he would have been better off with more oxygen. (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend t ells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. (Jimmy
My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox.
The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
(Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance)
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help". (Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork ... (Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
it was a bloody hoax. (Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join The
The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber". (Steven
Alan Green at C34)
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time. (Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)
An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian
princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. (Ahmed
Ahmed at C34)
Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign
that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a
rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! (Seymour Mace at Café Royal)
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got
one!" (Norman Lovett at The Stand)
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
(Chris Addison at the Pleasance)
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious,
but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person."
What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be ar*ed
going to church." (Colin Ramone at The Stand)
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
(Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance)
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" (Arnold
Brown at The Stand)
'Schindler's List' ... I got that out, thinking it was a porn movie. Well
... the title's in German ... and it did feature a shower scene. (Ricky
Gervais at The Playhouse)