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Thread: a few funnies

  1. #1
    Vauxylady's Avatar
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    a few funnies

    > Two elderly women were eating
    > breakfast in a
    > restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
    > something funny about Mabel's ear and
    > she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've
    > got a suppository in your left ear?"
    > Mabel answered, "I have a suppository
    > in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared
    > at it.
    > Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw
    > this thing. Now I think I know where to
    > find my hearing aid."
    > When the husband finally died his wife
    > put the usual death notice in the paper,
    > but added that he died of gonorrhea.
    > No sooner were the papers delivered
    > when a friend of the family phoned and
    > complained bitterly, "You know very
    > well that he died of diarrhea, not
    > gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I
    > nursed him night and day so of course I
    > know he died of diarrhea, but I thought
    > it would be better for posterity to
    > remember him as a great lover rather
    > than the big shit he always was."
    > An elderly couple were on a cruise and it
    > was really stormy. They were standing
    > on the back of the boat watching the
    > moon, when a wave came up and
    > washed the old woman overboard. They
    > searched for days and couldn't find her,
    > so the captain sent the old man back to
    > shore with the promise that he would
    > notify him as soon as they found
    > something. Three weeks went by and
    > finally the old man got a fax from the
    > boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you,
    > we found your wife dead at the bottom
    > of the ocean. We hauled her up to the
    > deck and attached to her
    > butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl
    > worth $50,000 . please advise."The old
    > man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and
    > re-bait the trap."
    > A funeral service is being held for a
    > woman who has just passed away. At
    > the end of the service, the pall bearers
    > are carrying the casket out when they
    > accidentally bump into a wall, jarring
    > the casket. They hear a faint moan.
    > They open the casket and find that the
    > woman is actually alive! She lives for
    > ten more years, and then dies. Once
    > again, a ceremony is held, and at the
    > end of it, the pall bearers are again
    > carrying out the casket. As they carry
    > the casket towards the door, the
    > husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
    > When I went to lunch today, I noticed
    > an old lady sitting on a park bench
    > sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and
    > asked her what was wrong. She said, "I
    > have a 22 year old husband at home. He
    > makes love to me every morning and
    > then gets up and makes me pancakes,
    > sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground
    > coffee."
    > I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
    > She said, "He makes me homemade
    > soup for lunch and my favorite brownies
    > and then makes love to me for half the
    > afternoon.
    > I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She
    > said, "For dinner he makes me a
    > gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
    > dessert and then makes love to me until
    > 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the
    > world would you be crying?" She said,
    > "I can't remember where I live!"
    > Two elderly ladies had been friends for
    > many decades. Over the years they had
    > shared all kinds of activities and
    > adventures. Lately, their activities had
    > been limited to meeting a few times a
    > week to play cards.
    > One day they were playing
    > cards when one looked at
    > the other and said, "Now
    > don't get mad at me....I
    > know we've been friends for
    > a long time.....but I just can't
    > think of your name! I've
    > thought and thought, but I
    > can't remember it. Please tell
    > me what your name is." Her
    > friend glared at her. For at
    > least three minutes she just
    > stared and glared at her.
    > Finally she said, "How soon
    > do you need to know?"
    > Grant me the senility to forget the
    > people I never liked anyway,
    > the good fortune to run into the ones I
    > do,
    > and the eyesight to tell the difference.

    Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

  2. #2
    Skipz's Avatar
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    some good ones there!! Low IS a Lifestyle

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