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Thread: Primary School Football... the rules !!

  1. #1
    goaten2000's Avatar
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    Primary School Football... the rules !!

    A bit long winded but so true and brings back lots of memories

    Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and
    lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing
    of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these
    periods,play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on
    the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal
    punishment meted out to latecomers back to the classroom.

    In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten
    to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through
    those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the
    teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff
    room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a
    teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

    This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics
    of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline
    as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important,
    therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs,
    chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a
    sustained period of play -lunchtime, for instance - is not totally
    nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against

    The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the
    match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play,
    and may be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of
    the approved manners (see Adjudication).

    Parameters: The object is to force the ball between two large,
    unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or
    shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and
    the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the
    piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should
    be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the

    Area: It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets
    should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that
    the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the
    outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the
    inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is
    the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken
    conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination. In the absence of
    a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being
    slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball
    passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an
    arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best
    fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical
    violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.

    In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is
    obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In
    the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how
    far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender
    gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players
    are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often
    observed that the playing area is "not a full-size pitch". This can be
    invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches
    from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal response to
    "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the

    Tactics: Playground football tactics are best explained in
    terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according
    to circumstance - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2,
    4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to
    the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for
    the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that
    makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing
    spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in
    practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of
    play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the
    participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the
    pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital every
    last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.

    Stoppages: Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to
    injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The
    playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy
    of"no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and play will continue around and even
    on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours.
    However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other
    interruptions, and some examples are listed below.

    1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time
    itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by
    the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the
    belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to
    return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually
    struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before
    disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter
    having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is
    often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the
    Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: "you can't make me"; or B:
    "It's not my ball anyway".

    2. Bigger boys steal ball. A highly irritating interruption,
    the length of which is determined by the players' experience in dealing
    with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the
    ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves,
    occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.
    Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick
    restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the
    ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that
    one of the players' older brother is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other
    noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.

    3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the
    street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad,
    blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger
    about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who
    have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet
    Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until
    you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how to
    achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually
    forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return
    of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may
    result in the more serious stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police.

    Celebration: Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of
    thirty yards with their hands in the air, making crowd noises and
    saluting imaginary packed terraces. Congratulation by team-mates is in
    the measure appropriate to the importance of the goal in view of the
    current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12 does not entitle the
    player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross), and the
    extent of the scorer's contribution. A fabulous solo dismantling of the
    defence or 25-yard (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative
    distance because "it's not a full-size pitch" rocket shot will elicit
    applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of
    the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will
    be heralded with the epithet "poaching *******" from the opposing
    defence amidst mild acknowledgement from team-mates. Applying an
    unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal
    will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to
    head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten
    will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it
    should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met
    with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three

    Penalties: At senior level, each side often has one appointed
    penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances,
    such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. The playground side has
    two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The
    arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side
    is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times.
    If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to
    take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary
    substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best
    Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic
    act of saving one of these kicks, and are ******ed if "little Billy" is
    going to steal any of it.

    Close Season: This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which
    the players usually spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a
    fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days
    during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they
    reckon that it really is as boring to play as it is to watch.

  2. #2
    Craig's Avatar
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    soooo true
    Ibiza FR CR TDI with 203 BHP

  3. #3
    smitht's Avatar
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    smcnally's Avatar
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    thats great bring back good memories

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    d dave's Avatar
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    Ahh! the memories
    Scottish Member? Have a peep at our Region For tints or wraps Click Here!!

  6. #6
    Rallye_vr6's Avatar
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    You've forgotten the most important rule.

    At the end of lunch tiime the game shall not be desided by the score over the two breaks and a lunch period even if it's 18 - 3 , but is decided on the "Next Goal Wins" Rule, which starts from teh moment the end of lunch bell rings.
    Join me again next week for another installment of "I make no f**king sense" where I'll be Waxing an owl.

  7. #7
    sport16v's Avatar
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    That is soooooooooooooooo true

  8. #8
    Graeme_Sxi's Avatar
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    100% accurate. Loved the bit about interruptions like the ball going up on the roof and arguments about who was going up for it. "Ahh, well done ya f**kin idiot, yuv mugged it" was the cry you'd hear at our school.

    Was anyone here the 'best fighter'?

  9. #9
    Jaykay's Avatar
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    As a teacher, this made me giggle - it all rings sooo true!!

    Mrs. Kitchen blows whistle to denote end of break.
    Children continue footy game.
    Mrs. Kitchen blows whistle very loudly, waving her arms about.
    Children still continue to play.
    Mrs. Kitchen blows whistle loudly, waves arms about and shouts "IN!!!" at the top of her voice.
    Children ignore.
    Mrs. Kitchen stomps up a rather long field.
    Children allows Mrs. Kitchen to get within a metre of the game, pick up ball and run in.
    Mrs. Kitchen walks (slowly) back to classroom.
    Children then decide they have left jumpers on field (acting as goalposts)and have to go and get them before it rains.
    etc. etc. etc.

    What a joy!
    Work to Live, don't live to work.

    Driving a Signum 3.0 dti and loving it.

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