These are apparently 'genuine clips' from council complaint letters - have a laugh!
* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.
* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.
* It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.
* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am
his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so
please send someone round to do something about it.
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,a
spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time
of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.
After being charged GBP20 for a GBP10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard
of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist
B*stards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.*******s
has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
"This sort of thing is all too common".
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always
seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of
our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)