My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red mark on
his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
The husband emerged from the bathroom 'neked' and was climbing into
bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a
headache". "Perfect," her husband said. " I was just in the bathroom
powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a
suppository, it's up to you!!!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.A ceremony is again
held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the ******** wall!""
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs
up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with
Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
Most married couples mainly argue about two things, s*x and money.
So agree the price before you start.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and
pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
The girl says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," the doctor says. "You have a broken finger."
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking
Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the
visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place
in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"