A smart gent found himself sitting in the train next to a scruffy looking woman with a little boy who kept on sniffing and wiping his nose on the sleeve of his jersey. At last the gent said, "Excuse me,but doesn't that boy have a handkerchief?" "What if he does?" said the woman, "you needn't think he's lending it to you."

Hector and Hamish went into their local pub in great humour and ordered two large whiskies. "Are you lads celebrating something?" asked the barman. "We certainly are," said Hector. "We've just finished a jigsaw in record time. A hundred pieces it had, and it only took us six months." "Six months? But that's quite a long while," said the barman. "Not at all," said Hamish. "It said on the box, three to five years."