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Thread: joke time again lol

  
  1. #1
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    Vauxylady's Avatar
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    joke time again lol

    An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an application.
    He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove his age. He opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his chest. They accepted that as proof, and give him his first check.

    He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained to her what had happened.

    She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can also get disability!"


    Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

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    A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Sure do." the dog replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
    pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

    "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
    any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
    airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
    suspicious characters and listening in."

    "I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of
    medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
    the dog.

    The owner says, "Ten quid."

    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
    cheap?"

    "Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
    MINXY BUTLER-HENDERSON

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    d dave's Avatar
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    Add d dave on Facebook
    Scottish Member? Have a peep at our Region For tints or wraps Click Here!!

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    both very funny keep them comming

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    The Vacuum Salesman



    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

    "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

    "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

    "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

    "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."


    Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

  7. #7
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    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor
    with an unusual offer.

    "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When
    you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor
    and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,'
    I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed
    the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

    It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have
    moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
    When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the
    young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate
    yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her
    breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
    before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
    at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

    The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I
    do."

    The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had
    a deal."

    The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back,
    "She made me a much better offer."


    Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

  8. #8
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    IF MEN WROTE FOR COSMO

    Q: my husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me..
    A: obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! knowing that there is only one of you he can settle for the next best thing,your best friend. Far from being a issue,this can bring you closer together.why not get some of your old college roommates involved too?if you are still apprehensive,maybe you should let him be with your friends without you.if your still nor sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it...

    Q: my husband cotinually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
    A: do it.seaman can help you to lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin.interestingly,men know this.his offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfess.this shows he loves you.the best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

    Q: my husband has to many nights out with the boys.
    A: this is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged.the man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.anight out chasing young single girls is a great stress releif and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home.remember nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (its a great time to clean the house too) just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home.the best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him .then cook him a nice meal

    Q: my husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
    A: your clitoris is no concern to your husband.if you must mess with it,do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help.you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this and present it your husband as a birthday gift.to ease your selfish guilt,perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal

    Q: my husband is uninterested in foreplay.
    A: you are a bad person for bringing this up and should seek sensitivity training.foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming.sexshould be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay.what this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should;he should never have to work to get you in the mood.stop being so selfish!perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

    Q: my husband always has a orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving one to me.
    A: i'm not sure i understand the problem.perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

  9. #9
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    David Beckham decides to go horse riding.
    Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
    Victoria admiringly watches her husband.
    After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose
    his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck
    shouting for it to stop.
    Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only
    saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on
    the horses neck.

    David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.
    As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
    Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!


    (SCROLL DOWN)











    Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store
    and unplugs the horse.
    MINXY BUTLER-HENDERSON

  10. #10
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    lol @ minxy


    Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

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